


Memoriam

by Mlr96



Series: The Two Doctors [14]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), Doctor Who
Genre: Episode: s04e07 Memoriam, Mentions of Non-Consensual Drug Use, Mentions of Pedophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-08 05:00:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19863886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mlr96/pseuds/Mlr96
Summary: Fourteenth in The Two Doctors series about Dr. Spencer Reid, a genius, an FBI Agent, a profiler and a Time Lord.Story #14: Part 1.What Spencer didn’t – and couldn’t – tell them, was that when he referred to his father he wasn’t talking about William Reid, like they thought he did. He was talking about Kagmar.Part 2."Reid," Rossi repeated. "What is it?""I saw…" Spencer closed his eyes for a moment, the image burning behind his eyelids. "I saw William burning away bloodied clothes. He was outside, in the garden, and Diana… she was inside, crying and talking to Kagmar."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another one? Without having to wait a year between updates?
> 
> Yeah, I can't promise to keep the pace like this but I can promise that this story is in three parts and that they are all written. This will follow the events of Memoriam (Criminal Minds Season Four, Episode Seven) but, as usual, with a little twist I added.

The last thing Spencer expected to see as he walked into his hotel room, a box full of case files in his hands, was Rossi and Morgan sitting on the couch. They turned to look at him when he walked through the door, but didn’t pause the show they were watching.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asked, not even caring if he sounded rude.

The months that had passed since the Valliant didn’t do much to help him deal with everything that had happened. He spoke to Jack and the Jones family on a weekly basis, making sure they were all right in returning to life after the Year That Never Was, but he was still having nightmares every night.

Though, surprisingly, for the last few days his nightmares weren’t about the Master.

“Hey,” Morgan said, marking at the TV screen as he spoke next, “what’s it look like we’re doing?”

“Uh…” Spencer took a closer look at the screen, finding it a perfect excuse not to look at his teammates. “Breaking into my room and watching ‘Days of Our Lives’?”

“‘Young and the Restless’,” Rossi corrected, and Spencer turned his focus onto the older man.

It was easier with him, especially after learning from Martha that he kept out of trouble during the Year to be with his daughter – a daughter _this_ Rossi didn’t even know he had, and one that Spencer could never tell him of without having to explain how he knew.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane back to DC?” he asked, pushing the thought out of his head.

“You’re supposed to be hanging out with your mom,” Rossi replied.

“And you’re not,” Morgan added, looking at him for a moment before turning to the box Spencer had just placed on a chair. “Riley Jenkins?” he asked, referring to the cause of Spencer’s latest nightmares.

Riley Jenkins was a kid about Spencer’s age who was murdered when Spencer was a child. The killer was never found and for the longest time Spencer was certain that Riley was nothing more than an imaginary friend he had when he was young – or, at least, young into this body.

“No, it’s not –” Spencer was barely even aware that he moved to stand between Morgan and the box. “That’s actually not why I’m here.”

“Reid? Come on, man,” Morgan sighed, standing up, and Spencer forced himself to look away from him.

He still couldn’t help but see Derek’s lifeless body whenever he looked at the living one.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Morgan went on, unaware of the struggle Spencer had been going through. “I know what this has been doing to you.”

“Let us help,” Rossi added, standing up as well. “Maybe together we can find out who killed him.”

Spencer looked between the two of them for a moment, amazed that they were willing to do so much for him and almost shocked that they truly believed Riley Jenkins was the cause of his latest struggles.

Then again, they didn’t know better.

“I think I might already know,” he said, rather for letting everything else he wanted to say spill out.

“So, tell us about the suspect,” Morgan instructed.

“Truth is… I don’t know anything about him,” Spencer said, letting out a sigh that sounded almost as old as he actually was. “He’s my father.”

What Spencer didn’t – and couldn’t – tell them, was that when he referred to his father he wasn’t talking about William Reid, like they thought he did.

He was talking about Kagmar

* * *

It was impossible, of course.

Kagmar was an esteemed member of the Time Lord High Council, which meant he never left Gallifrey in his life other than for diplomatic tours. Even those were heavily monitored and guarded, with no way any of the present could sneak away for even the slightest moment, and both Spencer and the Doctor’s past experiences taught them that taking a TARDIS away from Gallifrey, even for the slightest moment, would be noticed.

Not that Kagmar would try to do anything of the sort anyway, with how he stuck to every rule and taught them to his children.

Still, Spencer’s nightmares of Riley’s death had him walking down to the basement – the basement that looked just the same as the crime scene photos, with Riley’s body displayed just the way it was in his dreams – and seeing Kagmar holding a bloody knife over the dead child.

“Before we go down this road, you need to be sure,” Rossi said as Spencer finished laying down the case files over the hotel bed.

“He’s right,” Morgan said. “Some rocks don’t need looking under.”

“My mind is sending me signals,” Spencer said. “I can’t ignore them anymore.”

_Not for the chance that someone of my family might still be alive, even if only as a murderer. Not for the chance that there might have been some way to escape the Time War, as impossible as it should be._

“Mixed signals,” Rossi corrected. “That’s what the subconscious is all about, you know that.”

“Reid, your dad left you,” Morgan told him. “You take it to the Freudian extreme, you could say that he killed your childhood.”

“Could explain a dream in which you see him as a murderer,” Rossi added.

‘There is no childhood on Gallifrey,’ Spencer wanted to say. ‘There is only servitude to the general, only the demands of the Academy, especially as the son of a Council Member. Kagmar didn’t kill my childhood… staring into the Vortex and watching the entire universe in a single moment did.’

“I’ve come this far,” he said instead. “I’m not going back.”

Morgan and Rossi nodded, each of them taking a file in his hands as they all started going through them. After ten minutes of silently reading and five more of discussing the case files, Spencer knew he wouldn’t be able to stay objective while working this case.

With all the issues he had with Kagmar – and there were plenty to spare – he had even more with his human adoptive father. How Spencer never felt like he belonged with him, unlike what Diana made him feel. How he left after only a few years, leaving what he believed was just a boy at the care of a Schizophrenic woman.

How he never once called to check or sent a message to let them both know where he was.

Spencer had considered, more than once, using the FBI resources – or, in recent years, the TARDIS database – to see what had become of the man he once knew, only to change his mind at the last second.

With Rossi and Morgan certain that he was the one Spencer was currently accusing, though, it seemed like he wouldn’t be able to avoid it for much longer.

“Reid, we’re going to have to track him down,” Morgan said, as if to reinforce what Spencer was just thinking. “You do know that?”

“We should talk to my mother first, neighbors,” Spencer was quick to say. “Get their impressions.”

“Reid, I don’t need to tell you that this signature was need-based and sexual in nature,” Rossi said, leaning forward in his seat. “The man we’re looking for is a pedophile. So, I’ll ask you again. Are you _sure_ you want to go down this road?”

And, if he was completely honest with himself… Spencer wasn’t sure, either.


	2. Chapter 2

Hypnosis was… a bad idea, to say the least.

Living for over 600 years meant you had as many years of memories, and with everything Spencer had gone through he wasn't surprised to find many of them were suppressed. What he didn't expect was the hypnosis bringing forth almost all of them.

His time as a child, growing up in the Academy and his mother's death. Lundi, the Chemist, the Doctor, the Rani, Kagmar and, of course, the Master. Running away from Gallifrey was also brought forth and so was the Time War, before a voice rang through his mind.

_"Go back to the night you were just telling me about."_

It was Jan, Spencer realized. The hypnotizer he had gone to with Rossi to try to retrieve his memories. Breaking out of his old memories, he forced himself to listen to her voice.

_"You're at home, in your room. You can't sleep because your parents are arguing."_

"I don't know what to do!" It was his mother. It was Diana and she was yelling, calling out in distress. Spencer was laying in his bed, listening yet knowing he shouldn't let them know he was awake. "I had to do something, but I didn't know what to do!"

"I'm not going to discuss it anymore!" William called out and then there were footsteps, growing closer and closer.

"He's coming in," Spencer found himself saying.

_"Who?"_

"I know you're awake, Spencer."

"It's Wi – it's dad."

"What about him, Spencer?" Jan asked. "What is he doing?

"Daddy loves you, you know that?"

Spencer felt his voice shaking as he spoke again.

"I don't want to be here."

_"Okay. It's okay, Spencer. Take us to where the light is. To the next morning. The sun is coming up. Where are you, Spencer?"_

"Mom?"

Spencer walked down the corridor of his old house, still in his pajamas. He saw Diana standing by the window, looking out through red eyes.

"My mom," he said. "She's at the window. She's thinking. She's been crying."

Spencer looked through the window, just in time to see William outside before a man came and stood by Diana. He looked different, but Spencer recognized him anyway.

"You did good, Diana."

"No…" Spencer muttered. "No, you're not supposed to be here. you can't be here."

_"Who? Your father? Who is there, Spencer?"_

"No," Spencer repeated. "No, you can't be here. He can't be here!"

_"What is it, Spencer? What are you seeing?"_

_"That's enough,"_ a new voice said, and Spencer barely registered it as Rossi's before Jan spoke again.

_"I need you to leave this location now, Spencer."_

_"Damn it, wake him up!"_

_"I'm going to count backward from five, four, three, two, one!"_

Spencer's eyes opened as he sat upright on the couch, barely registering what was around him.

"Reid," Rossi said. "It's ok. It's ok, Reid. It's ok."

Spencer took a few deep breaths, looking around him in confusion.

"What happened?" Rossi asked. "What did you see?"

Spencer opened his mouth, but no words came out.

"Reid," Rossi repeated. "What is it?"

"I'm adopted," Spencer said, making Rossi's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "I know that. I always knew that. William and Diana aren't my biological parents, they adopted me."

"Okay," Rossi said. "I don't understand… what does this have to do with what you saw?"

"I saw…" Spencer closed his eyes for a moment, the image burning behind his eyelids. "I saw William burning away bloodied clothes. He was outside, in the garden, and Diana… she was inside, crying and talking to Kagmar."

From the corner of his eye, Spencer could see Rossi and Jan sharing a worried glance.

"Reid… who's Kagmar?"

"He's my dad," Spencer replied. "My biological dad, but… but he died." His voice broke. "He died… so how could he be talking to my mom?"

* * *

Spencer swallowed hard as he sat in the conference room of the police station. Before him, stood his human parents, William and Diana, together for the first time in a long time.

Diana said she had things to explain, and he was willing to give her the chance, but he knew there was more he needed explanations for and wasn't sure whether he'd get.

"I'd seen him around at your ball games, at the park," Diana said. "You used to play chess there, do you remember? You played with him once."

"With Gary Michaels?" Spencer clarified, referring to the man they now knew was the real murderer of Riley Jenkins, and who was later killed by the boy's father.

"I didn't know that was his name back then," Diana said, shaking her head. "But it wasn't unusual for you to play with adults. And you'd win, too."

"Did he… do something to me?" Spencer asked, almost afraid to find out the answer.

"Oh, no," Diana breathed out. "God, no. It never got to that point. But when i saw the way he looked at you… I knew what he was. I could just tell."

There was something to her voice, a calmness similar to the one she had when she told him she knew of his true nature, and knew that he wasn't hers.

"A mother knows," he said quietly.

"Yes."

"So, you told Riley's dad,"

"He was agitated," Diana recalled. "Two days later, he called. He said he needed me to meet him."

There was a faraway look in her eyes as she spoke, one that Spencer knew usually belonged to when she was having an attack or hearing voices.

But not this time.

"I sat there," she went on. "I couldn't move. It was like a dream. That paralysis in the face of something terrible."

"What happened after that?" Spencer asked, making his mother look down at her hands.

"It's ok, Diana," William said, touching her hand gently. "Go on."

Diana nodded as she took a deep breath.

"At some point, I found myself walking towards the house. Lou was there. There was… so much blood." The faraway look in her eyes changed into something darker. "And the rest… it's all dark after that."

"You came home," William said. "She couldn't talk at first. But eventually I came to understand what had happened. And I knew that nobody could ever know."

"So, you never told anyone?" Spencer asked.

"No, she could have been implicated," William said. "And I had to protect her."

"You were burning _her_ bloody clothes," Spencer said in realization.

"But the knowing, you can't burn that away," William nodded. "It changes everything."

Spencer closed his eyes for a moment, letting everything he was just told register. It was hard to see why everything that happened made William leave, but Spencer cold still understand. After all, he had left people who were important to him, too, and for a lot less.

And still…

"There is still one thing I need you to explain," he said.

"Anything," William said.

"That morning… there was somebody else at the house." Something changed in William's expression, and Spencer studied it carefully as he spoke the next word. "Kagmar."

"How do you know that name?" William immediately asked.

"I think we all have a pretty good idea how I know it," Spencer said, his voice getting an edge to it that wasn't there before. "The question is… how do you?"


	3. Chapter 3

"He was hanging around the neighborhood for a couple of months already by that time," William said. "Never speaking to anyone. You couldn't even see him most of the time and even when you did… it felt like something wasn't quite right about him."

"A perception filter, probably," Spencer explained. "It makes you want to dismiss what you're seeing."

"But there were times when I noticed him," William went on. "Staring at me… or at you. When he finally approached me I was worried. I didn't know what he wanted and with everything that had happened with Riley…"

"How was he never considered a suspect?" Spencer asked.

"I don't know," William admitted. "It was weird. Like… like you forgot about him when he wasn't there. Everyone forgot about him when he wasn't there."

"Except you."

"I think he wanted us to remember," William said. "He told us about you. It was hard to believe at first. I mean," he laughed humorlessly, "I always knew you were special, but an alien? Hundreds of years old and stuck in the body of a child? It was a bit farfetched."

"He still shouldn't have contacted you," Spencer said. "The laws of the Time Lords are clear on this matter –"

"Observe only, never interfere," William said. "Yeah, he explained that. He also said that it was a great enough risk coming to Earth, even without adding the other rules he was breaking."

"So why did he approach you?" Spencer asked. "Unless…" William cast a quick glance towards Diana, and it was all the explanation Spencer needed. "Unless mom wasn't the one who saw Gary Michaels approach me at the park."

"Kagmar said that he could feel Michaels' intentions," William said. "Something about a telepathic field that your kind have. He said that the only reason you couldn't was because you blocked yours out of defense. He said that was the reason you couldn't feel him there, too. He showed your mother a vision, of what would happen if you kept playing chess with him."

Spencer's eyes turned to look at Diana. "And then you told Lou Jenkins."

"I…" Diana said. "I don't…"

"It was hard for her to comprehend what was happening," William said. "Kagmar later apologized for it, but… it was hard for her to tell real from fake on a regular day. So with someone messing with her memories…"

"Yes," Spencer said, disdain clear in his voice. "Kagmar had a knack for mental manipulation, but he never bothered to learn how to be gentle with it. It wasn't necessary on Gallifrey, we all have natural mental shields."

"Your mom went to Lou before either of us could stop her, and didn't tell us about it later. When she came back home with blood over her clothes, I knew this had something to do with Kagmar… and I knew he knew it."

"So he showed up the next morning?"

"I didn't know at first," William clarified. "I only found out after he had talked to Diana."

"He told her she did the right thing," Spencer whispered.

"And I think, in his own way, he truly believed that," William sighed. "After, he told us to take care of you. He said he had been here for too long already and that he had to go. Said he won't be able to come again, because of some war…"

"The Time War," Spencer said. "The reason I ran away. The reason I… I became a baby." He swallowed hard before looking up at William. "Is that why you left? Because of… because of Kagmar?"

"No," William said. "I left for completely different reasons. But he… it was clear to see he was your dad just as much as I was."

"He wasn't my dad, he was my _father_ ," Spencer corrected. "All posh and respectful to the House and the Council. Never what I needed him to be."

"No," William shook his head. "He was _everything_ you needed him to be. Just not what you might have wanted. And he… he loved you, very much."

And, as much as he wanted to, Spencer couldn't make himself believe it wasn't true.

* * *

"I killed Saxon."

Rossi barely looked up at the sound of Spencer's words. Instead, he placed down the book he was reading and leaned back in his seat.

Though they didn't have the team's jet, due to the case not being an official BAU investigation, Rossi insisted on paying the three of them for business flight tickets, thus sparing them from the crowded main part of the plane. Morgan was currently sound asleep in the row before them, but neither Spencer nor Rossi felt like they could sleep any time soon.

"Did you hear me?" Spencer asked. "I said I… I killed him."

"I know," Rossi replied. "I read the UNIT report."

"The report lies." At that, Rossi turned to look at him. "UNIT posted a false report to protect me, under the claim that I was of unstable mind at the time."

"Did they have any reason to believe you were of unstable mind?" Rossi questioned.

"I…" Spencer hesitated. "I was dehydrated, starved, had gone through prolonged severe physical abuse and… and was forcefully injected with Dilaudid for several months before the event."

Dilaudid. Now, that was a work Rossi recognized, and knew what it meant in regards to Spencer. Even if he wasn't on the team back during the Hankel case, word gets around fast in Quantico, even years after the fact.

"It seems to me like you _were_ of unstable mind," he said. "It's a classic recipe for a crime of opportunity like that. A prisoner killing his captor."

"It wasn't a crime of opportunity," Spencer insisted. "Using the gun was opportunity, of course, but I planned to kill him anyway. The gun was just the first weapon I got my hands on. If I had a knife, I would have gone with that."

"It's still not murder."

"Unless I planned it in advance," Spencer said. "Saxon was… it's hard to explain, but he was hard to kill. Regular methods wouldn't have done it. There was… preparation needed to be done for him to really die. And I did it. For months, without anyone knowing. Willfulness, deliberation and premeditation. Textbook first degree murder."

By this point, Rossi had his full attention on his coworker.

"There were extenuating circumstances," he said. "Like you mentioned, you were tortured, drugged, and malnourished. You were still only killing your tormentor."

"Stop justifying what I did."

"I can't," Rossi said simply. "Not when it's justified."

"I knowingly let innocent people die and go through terrible things."

"Saxon was a mastermind," Rossi told him. "He had to have been. He was a complete lunatic and yet he won the elections by a landslide. There was nothing you could have done."

"I could have stopped him sooner," Spencer said.

"At what cost?"

"You." The word left Spencer's mouth as nothing more than a whisper, but it had more effect than if he was yelling at the top of his lungs. "You would have been the cost. The team, my mom… you were the ones he threatened."

"You didn't have any choice," Rossi whispered back.

"Didn't I?"

"No." Rossi sighed, rubbing at his eyes. "Why are you so desperate to vilify yourself? Does that… does it has anything to do with Kagmar?"

_Kagmar. Lundi. What would they think if they saw what he had become? What would they think of Spencer Reid and who he had come to be?_

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"You're Spencer," Morgan's voice cut through the silence of the plane. "You're still who you are."

"Dr. Spencer Reid," Rossi said. "You have three PhD's, and two BA's. You are a member of this team."

"You're a member of this family, kid," Morgan added. "And we know you have done a lot to protect us, but we need you to let us help you, too."

"Nothing you'll tell us will make us think any less of you, Spencer," Rossi told him. "You just need to let us in."

"I don't…" Spencer's throat tightened. "I don't deserve your help."

"Maybe not," Morgan said with a heavy sigh. "And maybe you do. But you got it anyway, so you might as well start getting used to it."


End file.
